I started my construction company "V Building and Design" in 1985. It was the year that I encountered a love that touched my
soul… For 12 years this strange love inspired me to be the best that I could be. I knew that I would be running against the wind,
but there would be many Angels along the way to demonstrate that "Faith" is real.
However, "Evil" is just as real; I discovered that much later... There is a saying that the best romantic relationships
are those where each-partner feels like they got better than they deserved.
Therefore, each is always striving to be the best that they can be for the other,
because that is what they feel that the other deserves.
I can’t say that’s how I made him feel, but it’s certainly, how he made me feel. I tell you
about this part of my life, because there is something about love and romance
that makes people more human by showing their vulnerable side. (It’s interesting that I am writing this part of the book on
After really having grown mentally and spiritually from my usual relationships
and the affair, my “Bullshit” alarm goes off real fast. So what was so special about
this relationship was not only that I knew how I needed to be loved at that time,
but he also knew and responded accordingly.
To this day, that amazes me. I did not need from him the normal bells, whistles, and things, because I had observed in others
how sometimes those things come
with a price.
That price, I was not willing to pay. Not that I do not like, or desire bells
whistles and stuff. I do, that’s why I-have worked so hard. Maybe, in some ways
sacrificing “The Middle Class Securities”, or what use- to-be considered “The Middle Class
securities” to following my dream for more... Then again, maybe “The Middle class
Securities” where not part of my destiny; back when I was about 19 years old, I
applied for a Summer job to work at the U.S. Post Office, I failed the Post Office test, and did-not get the job.
Regardless, of all the past set-backs at this unmarried stage of my life, I was enjoying my freedom in spite of…. I am enjoying
starting my entrepreneur business-life with no-one- between-me-and-God; for on this journey, I would encounter a peace that to
anyone else would-likely look like the after-math of a number 10 hurricane….
However, I needed someone who would respect me for who I am, and what I wanted without making demands on me, or
expecting anything from me, but for me to love them for who they were. It was truly a love of the heart and soul which we both
needed at that particular time of our lives. We were both going through changes that neither was accustomed to. Because of
the intensity in this type of love, It could be crazy-love, but in the end
it mellows out to the: “I will always love you; You want each other to be happy. You might not be the person to give each other
what they need long term, but the essence was there when it was needed. …..
This sort of love have to be with the right person, otherwise it could be devastating. The circumstances for each have to be
‘right”. Both of us had been married and divorced, and we had children from those marriages. At that stage of my life, I needed
the kind of love that is not smothering. Yet pure, but intense enough that you can make a connection with each other, upon call,
when each of you are in different parts of the world, without the use of a phone, or written correspondences. The kind that you
trust and you know, just because your-soul tells you so. It was even somewhat an act of destiny that created the environment
under which we met. It was one of those days that I had planned my perfect day, dressed by 7:00 AM, and ready to leave for a
day of business appointments. Then everything went wrong. The original appointment that I had scheduled for 9: 00 AM was
cancelled. My car would not starting , even though the “starter” and alternator had been replaced the day before. The repairman
did not come to look at my car until 11:00 AM. Now he tells me I need a new battery, which was probably what I needed rather
than a new alternator and starter…I mentally categorized that auto repairman inaccurate diagnosis as education that I was going
to need going into the trucking business. However, all those thing had to happen to put me at the right place at the right time
to make the connection with the love of my life…..
The magic of this love gave me joy from the unexpected fluttering of butterflies in my stomach, to the unconscious invitation of
lyrics from love songs that refuse to vacate my mind. As in Kahlil Gibran, the profit on love said; "Forever, as love crowns you,
so shall it crucify you, each as it is for your growth, so is it for your pruning”. I had not heard, or read Kahlil Gibran,” The
Prophet” in years, That particular year, it was as if, I was spell-bound by it. I guess that was my answer. I had a reason to listen
to it. I could identify with the feelings. For one to feel such feelings are what I imagined as the essence of heaven. The downside
of being receptive to this level of love is that it is scary, because it is the total surrendering of one’s heart. It is truly the essence
of that kind of love which inspired the saying “Walk gently, for my heart, it lies beneath your feet”. Even though “said” love was
what I needed, and I was extremely fortunate to get. I would not recommend that one tries to find it. It must be an act of
unavoidable destiny that it finds you. Because of the depth of selflessness that this love carries, it is a very dangerous kind of
love and can be fatal if not Divinely inspired. However, if it is destine to be, it will be, and it must find you …. For me it was
destiny, because it proved to be an absolutely necessary ingredient as the Divine continues to writes the script of my life.
We were both capable of extremely deep-spiritual feelings, and we were both very kind at heart. Other than that, we were total
opposite. He, the wealthy “Bad Boy”, me the not-wealthy good to a fault “Good Girl”. One day I wrote to him:
We have laughed at one another
We have been sad for each other.
We have been angry with each other
we have been surprised and disappointed by each other.., ,
but at no time can I honestly say, we forgot to care about each other……
That was key. There were places we did-not go with each other, even in angry…. During the 60’s when all the wild sex was
fashionable, I was in love and later married with no desire to sleep around. Then by the time I was not married, there was many
other moral and other unhealthy reasons not to want to sleep around. Unhealthy sex could literally kill you. Also by the time I am
not-married, I am now more interested in the true mystic of life.
What is life, and what role am I to play, and do I really matter in the large map of life? Am I to leave a foot print upon the world, or
am I merely a feather in the wind, to land here and yonder, leaving only an invisible trail?
Our relationship, because of where we both were at the time, helped me to develop the mystic side of me even more. If I sent him
a letter, I knew when he was reading it. If I left a message, I knew when he was listening to it. I knew when I was the last thought
on his mind before he went to sleep, and the first thought when he awoke. In fact sometime his thoughts would wake me up.
From where ever he was in the world. I knew when I had done, or said something to please him or angry him.
Another time I recall, there was a group of people who was working with him on a project. I had wanted to help with the project.
He had told me that he did not want me to become involved, because he said: some of the people in this group could be really
"cut throat and mean". I thought mean to me, why? So he ultimately said okay. Well within a few weeks I understood what he
meant. It was one of those female catty jealousy things… I knew better, but my feelings were deeply hurt and (one is usually
hurt before angry) turned to anger; They formed such a cloud, my known perceptive antenna could not get a clear signal. He
was not home. I had left about nine or ten not so nice messages before the cloud lifted allowing my antenna to receive the
true and clear message; so now I leave four or five more: I am soooo-sorry , I know you told me so etc. Message-. Finally he
gets home about 10:00 pm. My antenna is working well now, so I know when he is listing to my not-so-nice messages, and I
know he is not happy with me, and rightly so; and of course, he calls me before he gets to the last five or so, I” am soooo sorry
messages that I have left . Before he can get the first sentence out, I begin saying: I am so sorry, so very sorry, just erase the
first ten messages and listen to the last five. He was upset that I had falling for the trap, but more upset with the person who lied
and hurt my feeling, but I never let that happen again…
I always thought that he deserved someone more special and “worldly”than I, and more special than I was willing to work to be. I
loved him enough to want him to have what “I” thought that he deserved. Note the same “I” actually that was the beginning of
the end of my marriage; my husband thought I deserved someone difference from him, those were his thoughts not my thoughts.
Maybe those were my friend’s thoughts, I do not know, and honestly I really did not want to know. What was in my heart I loved,
and I was okay, so why change it. Maybe I was just fine in his head and heart as I was. He never gave me any reason to think
otherwise; Maybe in the end if we are lucky, we all grow old and wrinkle, and just want someone who loves us as we are.
However that was my thinking after 12 years, in this inspiring and fulfilling relationship, as I was letting go of him in my heart.
Letting-go was just as painful as if we had been physically living together. Actually it was much-more-painful than letting go of my
marriage, but it became easier as he let go of me also...
One time he had done something that hurt my feelings in reference to another female, even though, because of the nature of our
relationship, I had no right to be hurt by it. The situation in reference to the other female was not a matter of the heart. I knew
that. However my feelings were what they were regardless, and that was hurt. So I told him;
“In a past life, I believed that he was a priest (that was years ago before the Priest scandals) and that I was a lady of the street,
and he was trying to save me from my wicked ways; but I thought that he was the one who needed saving from “said”
sanctification… However this time around, things were just the opposite...
He never let that particular thing happened again, although my displeasure with him for it was totally unmerited. He actually had
to put some thought and effort into not letting it happened, maybe even hurting someone else’s feeling not to let it happen again,
but he did it; that spoke volumes to me.
On another occasion there was a special event fund raiser. I was assuming that he was going to bring a date, he did not; Even
though both of us were clearly single, it would not have been to my advantage to have been seen with him as a date… So I
asked a guy to accompany me. He was seated at the head-table. My table was toward the back of the room. He turned the back
of his chair to the round head table and “starred me down”. It was like: I dare you, after your priest/ lady of the street analysis in
reference to me….
I recall one spring day in the early 1990’s.
About 3:00 AM, I received a phone call from the foreman of my Petroleum Transportation Co.; the tucks worked 24 hours, six
days per week; there was a work related problem. It was one of those problems where all you can do is say Shit!! Shit!!! Shit!!!!
The problem was the making for a very, very long crazy day!!! It was only since the seven years that I had owned and Asphalt
Maintenance and Petroleum Trucking business that I had added “Shit” and “Damn” to my vocabulary. I was still living in a Town
house development were the developer had run out of money before he was able to complete the development. I worked from
my home office most days, my staff liked it that way, and so did I. Directly across from my town house was approximately ten
arches of open field with lots of wild flowers. On this spring morning, I walked at least five miles around this field trying to think of
a solution to my work challenge. I had walked around this field almost daily. Sometimes two to three times during a mile or so
each separate intervals formulating business activities and ideas. This was the best and most hopeful time of my life.
For all those willing to work hard enough, back-then, I believed the
"The America Dream" was possible. That blind belief was without the facts of the: ifs, buts, ands, political favor / entitlement's,
reserve seating or birthrights....
I was soooo happy!!!
My children were doing well and happy, and I was accomplishing the goals toward my ideal-life. I did not have much money. The
company was not at the break-even point. I had however, gotten past when one of our trucks had a flat tire, any where in the
Chicago Metropolitan area, any hour of the night(The trucks ran 24 hours 6 days a week) I had to go and take money to the
repair company, because I did not have a credit card, but God I was soooo happy!!!
What I had was Faith, Hope and Love, that-combination took me-where no-amount
of money could-have...
For it was in this town home that I had already lived nine years; it is where I had started the asphalt maintenance business in
1985, the trucking in 1989 and adding petroleum hauling in 1992. It was often during the walks around this field that many
ideals were revealed to me for starting the businesses, as well as problem solving solutions for business and life in general.
It would usually take me about fifteen minutes to circle the field. Sometime I would get an idea half way around, and I would
literally run the remaining way back to my home office to put the new found idea into action. However on this particular morning,
it’s about 7:30 AM; I have been walking since 6: 00 AM and the answers that I desire are not-coming. So for the first time, I
decided to examine the different type of wild flowers that were growing in the field, as if I expected to find an answer in the
flowers. I became so inaudible that I lost total track of time. I do not know at what point my thoughts drifted from trucks-solutions
to love, but I picked 30 different flowers; they were so beautiful, and I thought “He” would appreciate these. I put them in a
cobalt blue vase; then I decided to take a photo of the flowers in the vase; they were so beautiful… After taking the pictures, I
took the film to a one-hour store, had them developed, chose my favorite picture of the 10, had it enlarged to
5 X 10, framed it, and drove 20 miles to his home, placed the flowers in the vase on his porch along with the framed pictures of
the same. I got all of this done by 5:00 P.M... At about 5: 15 P.M ., my administrative assistance called me to tell me the good
The work problem had worked itself out better than I could have hoped for. I surmised that my picking wildflowers was exactly
what I was supposed to do that day. Had I stopped to implement the solution that had occurred to me somewhere during the
photo shoot, It would have only created a larger problem down the road.
He was my safe place to go when I was afraid,
my happy place to go when I was sad,
my calm place to go when I was confused,
my quiet place to go when the world was just too noisy and evil,
when I simply did not have the strength, or energy to go anyplace else. . .
And even to this day that "Place" has the power to give me a special sort of peace if I choose to go “There”; I don’t feel the need
to go “There” too often, but it is wonderful knowing that I can, if I so choose to… And yes, I do pray and meditate a lot and that
is my base, but I am not claiming saint-hood, so to tell the truth as I see it
for me, sometimes it feels like God is either on vacation, or his mailbox is full, so he sends a comforter instead, which I am ever
That love inspired me to write to him the following:
Looking back on that which made me want to toss pebbles into the ocean,
play in the sand and run against the wind,
has reinforced the struggles, that poets must to have had, trying to describe the indescribable (love).
To me it is a voluntary energy with a soft-color, and a tranquilizing-light, in which, one is desperately trying to transfer from one
heart to another...
It’s no wonder, the sacrifices and mistakes one makes in the name of love.
For the power of the energy, the softness of the color, and the tranquility of the light makes all else invisible…..
As we were approaching a time where we had to make changes in our life that we could not make on the path that we were on,
nor could we make them by becoming a physical union of “one”, the amended poem that I had written for him some years back
gave me comfort in that: Through the years:
We've been surprised and disappointed by each other, we've have been sad for each other. We've laughed at each other.
We've been anger with one another. We have hidden many of our true fears and feelings from each other, but at no time, can I
honestly say, we forgot to care for each-other...